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RELATIONSHIP TIPS

YKNOW YOUR BUTTONS These are areas of sensitivity each of us have, like feeling invalidated, under-valued, unapproved of, unloved, inadequate, etc. Know your buttons and take responsibility for them. Make a conscious effort not to automatically attach these feeling to your partner's words or actions.

YCOMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY Use I statements like; I feel _____ because _____ and I need ______." Avoid using Youor Why because these elicit defensiveness in your spouse preventing them from hearing your needs.

YFIGHT FAIR In conflicts -- fight for resolution not to be right. Act and speak with respect, keep the problem--the problem, listen for understanding, resist the urge to bring up the past, and forgive often.

YSPEND TIME TOGETHER Dating couples can't spend enough time together, but once married, the commitments of life like jobs, children, or hobbies can easily consume us. Schedule a weekly date. Just be together; go for a walk or bike ride, play tennis, window shop, etc.

ROADBLOCKS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

CRITICISM occurs when simple complaints evolve into verbal attacks on character. Criticism can become so pervasive that it corrodes the marriage to the point of contemptuous feelings toward your spouse.

CONTEMPT intends to insult and is fueled by negative thoughts like; he/she is stupid, incompetent, a fool, selfish, etc. With words or body language, insults are lobbed to the core of your partners sense of self. When contempt settles in, couples rarely compliment each other or express admiration or attraction. Some common signs of contempt are; insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and negative body-language.

DEFENSIVENESS is an understandable reaction to feeling besieged but, it escalates conflict rather than helps to resolve it. A defensive person denies responsibility, makes excuses or negative assumptions about their spouses feelings, meets their partners complaint with a complaint of their own, and repeats their position rather than attempt to understand their spouses perspective.

STONEWALLING occurs when one partner is exhausted or overwhelmed and stops responding. In conflict, the stonewaller removes himself by refusing to speak or react. This powerful act conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness and leaves both feeling lonely and misunderstood.

Excerpted from Why Marraiges Succeed or Fail. John Gottman, Ph.D., with Nan Silver. 1994

Renew Your Marriage...If you are in a troubled marriage, your predicament can seem impossible to sort out. But, unhappy marriages resemble each other; they all followed the same, specific, downward spiral. By pinpointing how your marriage destabilizes, you and your spouse can find your way back to the happines you once felt when your love began.